Home By 11?
by Marc Glass

Students usually spend summer vacation toiling for tuition dollars and having fun, but returning to the nest after a year of independence at Colby can be difficult. The student, delivered at Colby's doorstep a scant nine months earlier, may come home with different values, a changed appearance, new ambitions and, most certainly, a decreased dependence on his or her parents.
Mark Serdjenian '73, associate dean of students, says that despite attempts to counsel their children from home through phone calls and e-mail messages, parents may have less influence than ever before.
"At Colby, the students are in a position to go to Quebec and not tell anyone. This is a hard fact to accept, but when the son or daughter is away parents can't apply the same restrictions that worked when the child was at home," Serdjenian said. "As students walk a fine line between childhood and adulthood, parents sometimes feel left on the sidelines."
Serdjenian, whose son, Kerry, is home after his first year at Brandeis, says some parents have difficulty accepting the fact that the days of the midnight curfew are over.
Even though it's a courtesy for the student to indicate where he or she will be and when he or she will be home, when parents request this information it's sometimes seen as an imposition, Serdjenian said. "Whatever solution parents and students find, it definitely will involve less control for the parents."
His son didn't return home sporting a nose ring, tattoos or an arresting color scheme in his hair, but Serdjenian says parents who are treated to a change in appearance need to maintain perspective.
"My wife and I realize there are bigger issues than appearance, and we've seen some different hairstyles over the years," he said. "Students who express themselves through body piercing and tattoos find themselves saying, `I'm still a good kid! I'm still working hard at school!'"
Regardless of the issues that arise when a student returns home, Serdjenian says he's reminded of a banner that was displayed at a nursery school where his wife used to teach: "There are two gifts we give our children, one is roots, the other is wings."
Sometimes students stretch their wings gently, giving notice of their independence without much affront. Nancy Anderson of Norwell, Mass., says that her daughter's phone calls home during the sophomore year differed from those of the first year--they were occasions for catching up rather than seeking counsel. But Anderson, whose daughter, Jessie, just finished her sophomore year, believes this is a sign of maturity.
"She tended to handle the minor upsets without us this year because she problem-solved with a wonderful group of friends," Anderson said. "They talk about women's issues, graduate schools and career planning. Sharing these things with her friends represents a transition from us, but I'm very happy she's hanging around these wholesome kids and can work out solutions she's happy with."
Jack Nelson of North Andover, Mass., has particular concerns about how rules at home apply to both the returning student and their siblings.
"It's inappropriate to have a younger sibling adhere to one set of rules, while the elder child has another. If the expectations are changing on a daily basis, kids will play that to their advantage," said Nelson, whose son, Graham, just finished his sophomore year.
Aside from good parenting skills, which he says he learned from friends and older families, Nelson credits a rigorous academic program for regulating student behavior when parents aren't around.
"Colby has taught Graham that with freedoms come significant responsibilities like attending classes and being prepared for exams," he said. "I think he realized early on, `If I haven't taken advantage of the opportunities, it's my loss.'"
Sometimes a year at Colby causes students to reexamine hometown friendships once considered indissoluble. When her daughter, Jenna, returned home, Laura DeSimone of Winchester, Mass., was concerned that Colby friends had supplanted high school friends.
"She hadn't spent time rekindling friendships from home," DeSimone said.
Though DeSimone says Jenna initially was restless about being accountable to her parents after a year without supervision, the time apart actually improved their rapport.
"Before she went to college, she was unsure of what I had to offer her in the way of advice," said DeSimone, whose daughter just completed her second year at Colby. "Now through letters and phone calls we've never been more open. She says she can tell me things that she can't tell her friends."