The telephone call came at 4 p.m. Two hours later, a social worker dropped off two girls, ages 1 and 3, at a pleasant suburban Toronto home. The girls had no luggage, no jackets, no shoes. Their parents had left them with a babysitter and disappeared. And just like that, the family of Christi Pope '73 and Stephen Capaldo '74 grew by two.
Episodes similar to this have been played out several times at the home of Pope and Capaldo, who have four children of their own and who have been foster parents to 13 children since 1989, some for a few days, others for more than a year. They are more or less on call for abandoned and neglected children in the metropolitan Toronto area. "We're just trying to help," said Pope. "We feel called to do this."
Pope and Capaldo's first foster child joined their already bustling household eight years ago. She was 8 years old and had been sexually abused by her stepfather, who dropped her at the Children's Aid Society with nothing but a suitcase of clothes. She lived with Pope, Capaldo and their children, Nick, Mike and Charlotte, for 15 months. By then, the couple was expecting a fourth child, Emily, who was born in 1991. Over the past six years, the couple have had boys and girls ranging from infants to teen-agers in and out of their home while the children dealt with divorce, abandonment, neglect or loss of family.
Pope says the experiences have been stressful, demanding and occasionally disruptive, but worthwhile. "Foster parenting is definitely outside of my comfort zone sometimes," she said. "These kids usually have a lot of problems, poor social skills, lots of needs. We try to be parents to them while they're here, and during that time they're part of our family."
The presence of strangers in their home on a fairly regular basis has been accepted by the couple's children, who Pope says have extended their hospitality and friendship. "The whole idea of seeing other people's needs and trying to help, I think they benefit from that," Pope said of her four children. "Our kids live in a fairly affluent part of the city, and they don't see poverty. They might not appreciate having a mom and a dad and a house and meals three times a day, but they see that not every kid can take those things for granted."
She and her husband always must consider their own children's welfare when accepting a foster child, Pope says, but only once have they asked that a child placed with them be removed. "He just had too many problems and was too disruptive," she said. "You have to draw a line sometimes."
Pope and Capaldo must be aware of how their own children perceive the behavior of their visitors and establish guidelines for parenting foster children. For instance, what happens when a foster child grabs a toy from another child simply because they have not been taught that such behavior is inappropriate? "It's tough because you don't want to have one set of standards for your own kids and another standard for the foster children, but sometimes you have to," Pope said. "Some of these kids just need more slack because they have gaps in their development. We just have to talk it out with our kids to explain why we're doing what we're doing. You don't want your kids to think they are the only ones who have to follow rules."
She often feels sad when the foster children leave, Pope says, especially since they are sometimes returning to troubled homes. "You have to be able to let go," she said. "You have to remain somewhat detached or you'll go crazy."
Pope sees definite behavior and attitude benefits for her children as a result of having been part-time siblings for so many others. "They are more tolerant and more compassionate than a lot of their friends," she said. "They're not angels, but they understand that people have needs. They're better for it."
After more than a decade as foster parents, Pope says she and her husband have no plans to stop opening their doors to kids who need a home. "There is a lot of need and somebody has to fill it," she said.