By Peter Hans '99

I always considered myself a football player. I spent the last 10 years of my life playing, training for, and thinking about the game I loved, the one passion that drove me and encompassed my existence. Football was always the one thing I could dream about.

On six and a half-hour drives up to school I would kill time by fantasizing about future glory. I would picture winning touchdown catches and feel uncontrollable emotions as my stomach twisted in anticipation. Everything about football controlled everything I did. With every decision I made I thought of football. I would give up summer parties to focus on training. I would roll up my car windows in heavy traffic so I wouldn't be effected by carbon monoxide. I would eat enough for three people just in order to gain an extra five pounds of mass. I didn't know why. I didn't know why I put in so much time, why I tried so hard. I couldn't explain what football meant to me. My brain knew I had no future in the sport, but the rest of me knew my reasons for playing went beyond that. Glory is always searched for, and when found, lovingly accepted, but for me there was more to football than superficial qualities.

If you've never played before, you can't know what it's like. You are there, the guy across from you wearing the other colors is there, and everything else is vague. You can turn your head, but all you will see is distortions, fog on the sunniest days. The focus is on who you have to hit, or the pattern you have to run, and you do it. You carry out your job like it's the only thing in the world with any bearing on your life. In the immense drama of survival, a football game doesn't seem like much, let alone a single play. But, in football you live in the moment. The past is over and the future will be there shortly, what is now is everything.

My time spent playing football for Colby was the single most rewarding experience of my life. At most schools football is just football. Sometimes the teams of these schools contend for national championships, sometimes they have huge fan bases or are televised on national TV. This never was, and never will be Colby football. Colby football is different from the others. Colby survives not with endorsement deals or championship trophies, but with pride, with commitment and with respect. What I loved so much about playing football at Colby was the attitude of the team. We never died. However cliché it may sound, the word quit was not in our vocabulary. We went out to play every game like we were going to win, and we didn't stop reaching for that goal until the game ended. Regardless of situation, of score, of injuries, we played with a purpose.

We had a commitment that lasted for four years. Tirelessly, we lifted and ran all year round. With respect for ourselves, our teammates and our coaches, we transformed our bodies into machines. We sweated blood for four straight years so that once a week for eight weeks out of the year we could have a shot at winning a football game. That may not sound like much– a game. The word itself, game, implies nothing but a trivial pursuit at a perceived status of superiority. But, when that much effort, when that much emotion goes into a single endeavor, winning is the only option.

My career as a football player at Colby was a tumultuous one. I experienced the greatest feelings of joy only to be followed by complete helplessness. I didn't know why I stuck with playing. I didn't know why I never just cleaned out my locker and walked away; it would have been easier. I could have partied Friday nights before a game. I wouldn't have had to sit on buses for hours, and an approaching match-up would have been one less thing I'd have had to worry about. Now I know why I was resilient. I know why I pushed myself, why unfortunate events only made me work harder. I loved football, and I still do. I love everything about the game, the challenge. I love the idea of putting two men head up against each other and saying, "OK, who's better?" I love football because it's exhilarating. I love football because everyone has the chance to be the hero. You can be a 300-pound lineman or a 180-pound receiver, but everyone must play as one to win. I love football because it is the ultimate physical challenge, and at the same time, the ultimate mental challenge. I love football because you have to be strong, fast and smart. You have to use every ounce of talent that god blessed you with and then create your own on top of it. I love football because you have to trust your teammates. You have to trust yourself. I love football because it's fun. I love football because it's pure.

I wish I could still play. I wish I could strap on the pads for just one more game. I miss the elation that comes with winning, and I miss the pain that comes with defeat. I miss the laughing and the crying. I miss the lifting and the running, I miss watching film and staying in hotels the night before road games. I miss what I loved and I miss what I hated. Football was my life for so long, and it's gone now. It's like someone took a little piece of my heart and placed it in a jar for me to stare at. I can look at the pictures. I can watch the films or tell the stories, but it's not the same. Nothing is the same as playing football.