I've Been Thinking

I’m not sure who coined the phrase “helicopter parents” but I‘d like to kick that person in the shins.  I do worry that the nature of the relationship between the current generation of college students and their parents can have an adverse impact on a student’s education. I just don’t think it is accurate or helpful to oversimplify the situation by laying “blame”. The issue is complex, and addressing it in a meaningful way requires a nuanced approach.  Snarky monikers like “helicopter parents” don’t exactly invite all parties into the conversation.

The concerns I have are not a function of parents being involved or engaged in students’ lives, but rather what form their involvement takes.  The problems occur when parents move beyond providing love, counsel, and support into doing for their students things that students should be doing for themselves.  As a parent I know that it is an easy line to cross, in large part because it is a very hard line to see. It is also true that the pricetag for a Colby education being what it is (which is to say high), and the level of pressure students feel to succeed (also high) contribute to the pressing parental instinct to intervene on behalf of students. But intervening in ways that deprive students of the opportunity to manage important, if difficult, life experiences actually undermines their education.

Any meaningful college experience presents a variety of challenges to students, and that is as it should be.  We know that on the other side of their Colby experience all of our students will encounter difficult situations in their work and in their personal lives.  They will make mistakes and have to cope with the missteps of others.  The time they spend in college affords students the opportunity to move towards greater autonomy and independence in a relatively low-risk environment.  The trick, of course, is figuring out just exactly how we all (students, parents, faculty, and deans) support students without hindering their growth and learning.

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to balancing the parent-student relationship, I can offer some thoughts that may be useful.

 ·        Take the long view. While bombing an exam or negotiating a roommate conflict can be really unpleasant, their impact will be microscopic in the grand scheme of a student’s life.  On the other hand, the experience gained in working through such problems will likely prove valuable in the long run.

·        Ask and listen. If and when a student encounters something unexpected there are people at Colby in place to provide counsel and support.  Administrators, faculty and staff are at Colby to teach and advise students, and we want students to succeed.

·        Use the coach-player model.It may be helpful to think of parents/family members as coaches to their students (players) as opposed to teammates with them. Coaches help guide, support, and prepare players for contests but the players have to perform on their own.

·        Expect some adversity. Colby won’t – and shouldn’t – insulate students from all discomfort. Some elements of this experience will be hard.  Dealing with them is important for growth. If students and families understand that some aspects of the college experience will be more challenging than others, then it will be easier to manage the difficult times.

Odd as it may sound, the right role for parents is a lot like teaching kids to ride a bike.  We start them out with helmets and training wheels and let them wobble up and down the driveway or a quiet side street so they can get the general feel of it down.  Then we take off the training wheels and spend an awkward stretch of time running alongside them trying to supply adequate forward momentum and east-west balancing to prevent them from tipping over and tumbling onto the pavement. Eventually we come to realize that our efforts are at best redundant and at worst holding our kids back, and we know we have to let them solo. So we jog a few last steps beside them and, in a moment that is at once terrifying and exhilarating, we let them go.

In the end, college students have good days and less good days. Their job is to do the best that they can and to learn how to manage the bad days as well as the good.  Our job as parents, teachers, coaches, and advisers is to urge them towards their best and try to stay out of their way.