Today my tongue is sore, whether from tasting, purging, or contemplating I cannot decide. My hands reek of bile, and my eyes are puffy with the liquid that streams from them as abundantly as the liquid that runs from my convulsing throat. This is not my disease -- at least it is not an obvious thing that disgusts the general public. It only disgusts the un-matter-of-fact part of myself. I don't feel it becoming uncontrollable. I have a sick way of rationalizing every move I make. The problem begins to show its unnaturalness, its identity with the fact that I am at odds with ALL FOOD. I HAVE A PROBLEM that my mother thinks is cured. How - with my mind as rational as it is - can I not cure myself, when I recall the terror, disappointment, and rage in her eyes, and the shake in her usually calm voice? Perhaps the helplessness and sadness that were also there affected me the most.

I often turn to carrots and spinach, which give me health, as does exercise. Exercise, actually, may not fall entirely under the category of health when it is done with my unrelenting constancy. I am in tune with my body, it should seem; yet my stomach is the victim of satisfaction: infuriatingly distended. Vegetables and running are, ironically, the ways I put off my problem. I hide behind a facade of health that eludes me, I think. I must learn to truly, finally, deny myself of food, perhaps so my stomach stops seeming so swollen. (Of course, I exaggerate, about the swollenness, but is that meaningful if I, regardless, perceive my stomach as swollen?) I must be missing a big point somewhere. I am a loser in the land of plenty.

I know exactly what is wrong with me. The part that I cannot know, that is as inconstant and transient as the play of shadows on the pebbles in a stream, may be captured between these words. I am hoping that their confused flow will hit a chord in my perplexed stomach/finger/brain/mouth and this realization of what I am doing to myself will put an end to this rationalizing.


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Last updated: 2/5/96 Created and maintained by Sarah Borchers '96