The Colby Bubble
by Tom Levings
When I was asked to write the Colby Bubble Article I initially dreaded the thought; one more assignment to add to the pile of school-work I have yet to do. But then I thought how exciting it would be to use this article as a forum to anger as many people as possible. The direction I took was to stay up all night, drink coffee, and brainstorm about the various things I would change if I were the omnipotent-supreme-commander of the universe. Everyone has at least one thing they would change if they were God—I have compiled a list of things I would do if by chance God choose me to be the next Messiah:
1. Replace the SGA with monkeys who are dressed up as civil war re-enactors. Homer Simpson has this one right because it perfectly fuses self-perception, ego, and purpose.
2. Set all the clocks on campus to the same time. I am disturbed by the fact that depending on what side of Miller I look at, I enter completely different time zones.
3. Colby night club. This would definitely heighten the rave scene on campus.
4. Gladiatorial competition between the Newman Council and the Colby Women’s Group. The victor wins exclusive rights to promote their ideologies on the General Digest.
5. Echo news articles not to be opinion columns and opinion columns not to be news articles. This is an opinion article, for example, and I want to piss off as many people as possible.
6. Start an atheist club, and have club goals which include activities that indulge the body in secular delights. Case races, orgies, and other ancient Greek activities.
7. Hunter S. Thompson as a commencement speaker. His life is one we all should emulate.
8. Replace all alarm clock snooze buttons with an electrode charged with 50,000 volts. By punching the snooze button you prevent yourself from achieving sleep which is the point of staying in bed. Have some will power.
9. Annex Waterville to the state of New Hampshire so that we could reap the benefit of tax-free and deposit-free liquor sales. Return the money to the people.
10. Hot tubs and message therapists in the Spa. I want it to live up to its name.
11. Buy the land around Bates College, turn the land into dilapidated housing and business zones…oh wait, never mind.
12. Lobby to have Colby officially become a religious affiliated school and have that religion be Hedonism.
13. Student lottery: dean-for-a-day.
14. A school-wide awards show that awards accomplishments in the area of alcohol and drug use. Everyone knows someone they’d nominate.
15. Absolve myself from the multitude of lawsuits that will be filed against me as a result of publishing this article.
16. Molson Polar Beach Party. Skinny dipping in the frozen Kennebec River. Make college life as cool as a Canadian Beer commercial.
17. Sensitivity training for all Colby students who read this list. To be directed by Nancy Reagan and Courtney Love.
Before I go I would like to take a minute to apologize to any and all people I have offended. If you are truly offended by anything I say, I would suggest that you not take your beliefs or opinions so seriously. Settle down. If you’re still pissed off, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about what I just said. Thank you and god bless you.
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