How to Be A White Man

by Daniel Bush

A white man, first of all, must never see himself as being white. When looking into a mirror this should be the furthest thought from his head. He should never feel white as he walks past a police officer or walks freely through a store without being followed.

If the white man listens to rap music, this is preferable, particularly someone like Puff Daddy or Lauryn Hill who will make him feel like a real bad Black mother-fucker. The more pale he is the more he should think of himself as being Black. Or at least as part of Black culture.

If he doesn't like rap music, a white man should at least read an occasional Black novel and refer to it often when talking about literature and diversity. He should have several Black friends that make him Black by association.

Or if he doesn't have black friends he should at least have a couple of Latino friends so he can refer to something when talking about diversity. If the white man has fucked a Latino women, that is perfect. He becomes Latino by association.

There must be occasional thoughts about being white that flicker through his head, but this should be ok because he idealizes leaders like Bobby Kennedy, JFK, and even Martin Luther King Jr. He should know at least one Dr. King quote and must repeat it often like he has found great wisdom.

He should have very little idea what King's day to day struggle was actually like. This is important.

All of the leaders he idealizes must be dead. Unless they do not acknowledge being white. If they make generic statements about racial healing and justice, this is fine. These statements are really further ways of not acknowledging they are white. This is always the case.

A liberal white man can feel good about being white while hanging out with all his good white liberal buddies. This is a way of avoiding what it means to be white. A good way.

If for some reason a good white man gets cornered into listening to someone’s story of oppression, he must make statements like "I can't help being white," or even better, "Life is hard, get a helmet." He must somehow-with whatever degree of tactfulness - cut the conversation off or prove he is not listening as quickly as possible.

A white man must never admit that white oppression is real in America and that it hurts people. More important, he must never admit that he is somehow a part of this oppression and benefiting from it.

If he does admit he is complicit in white oppression, he must feel completely powerless about doing anything about his complicitness. He must never, under any circumstances, attempt to be accountable for being white.

He must never, under any circumstances, admit that he is not in control. Or that he could benefit from seriously listening to people who are not white. He must always have the last word. At the very least, he must speak up to defend himself. This is honorable and even noble. And a good place to quote King.

The perfect white man must never look at the institutions he is part of or his social circles and think of them as being very white. Much more important is for him to celebrate white culture and white history as being the most true and beautiful and significant.

If the Latino women he fucked gets made at him and says he acts like a white man, he must tell her she is crazy and point out the black friends he has. Then, he should go listen to Puff Daddy and become even more of Black bad ass. He should then get a corporate job and marry a blond woman.

The most perfect white man must feel how great and liberal and white he is without ever consulting a person of color. If he does have friends of color they must come from rich families.

Should the topic of race come up ever, and should he ever slip up and admit that he is white, he must put the person of color he is talking to into a position where that person is responsible for educating him.

He must never be responsible for educating himself, for reading books on race or for thinking about the nature of oppression. Except for that Dr. King quote he knows by heart.

He should really love and admire the greatness of American Indian culture. But he must never think about or become deeply involved in the present day struggles of present day Indians. He should call them Native Americans.

A white man who really knows how to be a white man will act as though he is a part of every non-white culture in America. He will live as if every real member of that culture is dead.