Larry
is watching the Cardinals. He's got a new name for his book: I'm Going
to Kill You Moe You Stupid-Ass Son of a Bitch. When Larry was young
he played one season for the Philadelphia Athletics. He chipped a bone
in his foot and had to leave the team. For a time he was a professional
violinist. He changed his name from Fineberg to Fine the week before Warren
Harding ate poisoned fish. While performing at the Trocodero on Arch Street
he met Moe Howard and his little brothers, Shemp and Curly. These days
the Troc is a Chinese theater showing pornographic movies. "Time for your
bath, Mr. Fine," the nurse says, as the batter swings and misses. "I'll
come when I'm ready," Larry says. Three and two the count. The nurse is
playing with the jewel on her necklace. "Are you ready?" A swing and the
batter's retired. "I'm ready."
Carla and her lover are watching The
Birds. Her heart is pulsing into the palm of his hand. His fingers
stroke a necklace with tiny silver links which is coiling loosely on her
left nipple. There are two tiny masks on the chain: comedy and tragedy.
"Which do you want?" says Ratt. Nickety nackety now now now. "A Conservative
rabbi," she says. "From the synagogue in my hometown." "I didn't know
you were Jewish," he says. The nipple puckers like a suction cup. "Howard
isn't a Jewish name." Nickety nackety hey Johnny rackety now now now.
"They changed it from Horowitz." All the crows are on the jungle gym now.
"I don't mind. It's just that my mother will insist on a minister. I mean,
there it is. She likes to get her own way." Riselty raselty nickety nackety
hey Johnny rackety now now now.
Moe is eating a banana when he sees the
mailman coming down the street. He drops the peel, puts on his cashmere
coat, meets him at the box. "Afternoon, Mr. Howard." There is another
big check from Columbia pictures. "Why don't you get a hair cut?" Moe
says to the postman. The postman gives Moe the peace sign. "Peace," he
says. Moe makes the peace sign. The two of them are both making peace
signs. Moe jabs his fingers forward and pokes his peace fingers in the
postman's eyes. "Son of a bitch!" the postman yells. "Of all the stupid,
pitiful-." Moe says: "Nyk nyk nyk."
Larry is having his afternoon nap when the
mail comes. The nurse leaves the Blue Cross bills on the dresser, next
to the photograph of Carla. The door clicks softly behind her. Larry opens
his eyes. Light is streaming through the willows, and Curly and Shemp
are standing there. Moe gave them both strokes. Curly's real name was
Jerome. Moe's real name was Moses. They all have heart trouble. A bearded
Moses is standing behind Curly and Shemp holding a tablet. "Oh," Curly
says. "A wise guy."
Excerpt written
by Jennifer Finney Boylan and reprinted with her permission
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