Last Page: No Shortage of Material

 

By Leslie Robinson '85

 

I suspect I’m one of the few homosexuals who grieved the death of Jerry Falwell.

His outlandish statements about gays and lesbians kept him in the news and me in business. My humor column for gay newspapers will go on, but, by God, I’m going to miss the man who was manna to me.

Illustration by Clayton Hanmer
Illustration by Clayton Hanmer

Fortunately for me, if unfortunately for the rest of gays everywhere, the world still has lots of aggressively homophobic folks ready to attack and demean gays and to blame us for everything from 9/11 to the Asian tsunami to Brussels sprouts.

Echoing Falwell, the official children’s rights watchdog of Poland called for an investigation last spring into whether the Teletubbies character Tinky Winky promotes homosexuality to Polish children. People giggled the world over, but it reminded me that, although the Rev. Falwell had just passed, my source material remained abundant and flourishing.

Eastern Europe as a whole has been doing me a power of good the last couple of years. Local gays and lesbians want a piece of the freedom that came to the region; many of their fellow citizens would rather drop an iron curtain on their heads.

Tensions have boiled over during attempted gay pride parades in cities including Moscow, Budapest, Zagreb, and Riga, when gays have been arrested, beaten and had goodies like rotten food and human feces thrown at them. Stalin would
be proud.

In an assortment of African countries, governments and religions are trying like the dickens to stamp out homosexuality. Nigeria earned the distinction of seeking to pass the world’s most draconian anti-gay legislation, and it may try yet again to outlaw gays talking to one another. A hellacious prospect for gay Nigerians; a bumper crop of columns for me.

Of course, I don’t have to look beyond American borders to find the sublimely ridiculous. In June, on Fox News Channel’s The O’Reilly Factor, host Bill O’Reilly actually devoted a show to spreading the breathtaking “news” that a national network of lesbian gangs is terrorizing American cities.

His crime expert claimed there are more than 150 lesbian gangs in the greater Washington, D.C., area alone. From coast to coast, often bearing pink nine-millimeter Glocks, these wanton women attack men and rape girls.

Part of me was impressed. On my best day I couldn’t have come up with a tale that fanciful.

One of my favorites of 2007 was the case of North Carolina’s Dr. Robert Crummie, who, serving as the volunteer Doctor of the Day at the state legislature, took the opportunity to hand out to lawmakers free copies of his book, Dr. Bob’s Grocery Store Medicine and Healthy Life Anecdotes.
Dr. Bob’s long career in medicine led him to write, “There is no such thing as a homosexual. The Gay Movement is a hoax.” The good doctor added, “Individuals who act out homosexually are at best very neurotic and at worst psychotic.”

This was one of those occasions when I didn’t have to work to create humor—he did it for me. I’d write him a thank-you note but for these damned psychotic episodes.

It’s a weird truism that some of the most homophobic people are actually homosexual. A number of closet cases have been caught over the last year with one foot in the straight world and another part of their anatomy in the gay world.

For me, Ted Haggard is the gift that keeps on giving. One of the nation’s leading evangelicals, with the requisite anti-gay positions, his career sank amid allegations of sex with a male hooker and drug use. But the story didn’t end there. Haggard went through three weeks of intensive therapy, after which he was declared “completely heterosexual.”

That’s a bigger miracle than the loaves and he fishes.

In 2007 Haggard relocated from Colorado Springs to Phoenix. He’s working toward a counseling degree, which is scary. Recently he had the gall to ask his supporters for monetary donations. Those overseeing his “restoration” told him, Ted, get a job.

I think we’ll be hearing more from Pastor Ted. He won’t let me down.

On the very day I’m writing this for Colby, a judge in Minnesota has denied Senator Larry Craig’s motion to withdraw his guilty plea in The Great Bathroom Case, and the Idahoan startlingly declared he won’t resign his Senate seat after all. Well. I don’t know how this will play out, but you can’t beat it for drama.

With his family values pedigree, Craig insists he wasn’t trolling for sex in that men’s bathroom in the Minneapolis airport. Do I believe that? You betcha—just as much as I believed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the other day when he announced his country has no homosexuals.

All these wacky claims about gays and lesbians are job insurance for me. I promise that, if people around the world get a notion to stop demonizing homosexuals, I’ll be willing to try a new line of work. For now, eight years after I started this gig, I have as much job security as the Pope.

Leslie Robinson ’85 is a former columnist for the Colby Echo. Her humor column is at www.GeneralGayety.com.

 
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